#positive-mindset

"Rain Check I'm a shitty typist and speller, I hunt and peck,I wrote, "i LeFt mY sWeEtToOtH iN yOuR nEcKoF tHe WoOdS, cOuLd YoU pLeAsE bRiNgIt BeCk."Surprisingly, you did,and left."rAiN cHeCk."

"Pacifism There's nothing like seeing action in war to turn a soldier into an instant pacifist or an instant killer."

"Perfect Sex [10w] Perfects sex balances the conflicting pleasures of submission and mastery."

"What's Hot [10w] + {Couplet} We incorrectly assume what's hotis becoming what we're not."

"Fucking 3rd World Taxi Drivers [10w] Taxi drivers have ruined more vacations than tsunamis or earthquakes."

"The Hand that Feeds You Don't bite the hand that feeds you ~unless you're in a haunted houseand the fucking hand isn't attached to anything."

"What's in it for me?' A selfish person doesn't become compassionate as the result of some words of wisdom or epiphany. The selfish need selfish reasons to act unselfish."

"Rules of Etiquette [10w] Rules of etiquette are pretend manners for the lower classes."

"Poets, Shakespeare and Trash A poet must read equal amountsof trash and Shakespeare to learn how to distinguish between the two."

"Good Egg [10w] Picking up the pieces is the responsibilty of the egg."

"Leaps of Faith [10w] Like religion, leaps of faith are behind all idealistic movements."

"Elegance in Simplicity [10w] The more complex the problem,the simpler the correct answer."

"Cookie Cutter Criticism A critic tried to fit my sense of humor in a cookie cutter,but it wouldn't fit his preconceived shape of what comedy should be.So he pressed harder, and harder and harder until the cookie cutter cut a cookie shaperight through the palm of his hand.It doesn't hurt anymore when the critic tries to slap me in the face.There's no more hot-air resistance."

"Damn You, TripAdvisor! My penis deserves to be a World Heritage Site,judging by the number of tourists trampling on my balls."

"Hermit Crab Should a hermit crab be required to have a real estate license?"

"Poetry Calling [10w] Poetry's not a calling.It's a whispering in your ear."

"Delusion vs. Truth Delusions are what really set you free;the truth is a choke hold."

"9/11 Haiku: Rudy Giuliani, Mayor of New York "Now you boxcutter, Iraqi Pete, camel fuckersreally pissed me off!"

"The Bard's Haikus about Haiku Listen to Shakespeare,'Iambic pentameterand haiku don't mix.'A fool thinks himself to be wise, but a wise mannever writes haiku.If you tickle usdon't we laugh? If you wrong usshall we not haiku?The good men dolives after them; the evil'sinterred with haikus.Some are born great, some achieve greatness, some scribblesome shitty haikus."

"Legacy To leave a legacy,you first gotta leave your leg in the door."