Stephen Colbert

"If this is going to be a Christian nation that doesn't help the poor, either we have to pretend that Jesus was just as selfish as we are, or we've got to acknowledge that He commanded us to love the poor and serve the needy without condition and then admit that we just don't want to do it."

"Wikipedia is the first place I go when I'm looking for knowledge... or when I want to create some."

"If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it."

"Atheism, a religion dedicated to its own sense of smug superiority."

"I used to make up stuff in my bio all the time, that I used to be a professional ice-skater and stuff like that. I found it so inspirational. Why not make myself cooler than I am?"

"I believe that the government that governs best is a government that governs least, and by these standards we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq."

"Women don't want all that. Women just want a partner who is considerate and attentive, who will spoon with them while reciting Keats, and feed them organic yogurt by candlelight on a seaside cliff at sunset."

"There's nothing wrong with stretching the truth. We stretch taffy, and that just makes it more delicious."