Stephen Colbert, I Am America

"Here's an easy way to figure out if you're in a cult: If you're wondering whether you're in a cult, the answer is yes."

"A father has to be a provider, a teacher, a role model, but most importantly, a distant authority figure who can never be pleased. Otherwise, how will children ever understand the concept of God?"

"Clearly, America has no shortage of metaphorical opportunities for the poor."

"America used to live by the motto "Father Knows Best."Now we're lucky if "Father Knows He Has Children."We've become a nation of sperm donors and baby daddies."

"Here's an easy way to figure out if you're in a cult: If you're wondering whether you're in a cult, the answer is yes."

"All Dogs Go To Heaven? Sorry, kids. It's only the dogs who've accepted Christ."

"All Dogs Go To Heaven? Sorry, kids. It's only the dogs who've accepted Christ."