A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running. - Groucho Marx

"From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."

"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others."

"When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'."

"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know."

"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."