At the age of four, I wanted to be eight. At the age of eigh... - Jarod Kintz, A Story That Talks about Talking Is Like Chatter to Chattering Teeth, and Every Set of Dentures Can Attest to the Fact That No..

"I would pour you a glass of wine, but wouldn’t it be more romantic if you sipped it out of my armpit?"

"I want to learn the language of the sun, and burn Agatha’s eyes out with my love poems."

"The sunset faded and blended from pink to peach to mango in a smoothie in the sky. For as long as she doesn’t love me, I will love her."

"I am the Guillotine of Love, and I will never lose my head over another woman again."

"I left my phone number on a napkin, along with trace amounts of spaghetti sauce and garlic bread grease, hoping she’d call me. And when she didn’t, I panicked and filed a missing person’s report with the police."