"Bachelorhood: all the fun of married life and more prosperity, leaving lots of descendants to boast of their father’s memory to their fellow inmates."
"A man wrapped up in himself always suffocates. But his loved ones will forever hold in their hearts the memory of that Christmas."
"People are always insinuating that I’m rude. They say things like “Shh,” and “Careful what you say,” and “I think that guy’s listening in on our conversation."
"The lampshade on my head is for my bright ideas. I won't be able to convey them until Monday, when my curtain gets out of the dry cleaners."
"I admire Shakespeare enormously. But since I can’t be him, I’m glad that his marriage was unhappy and he’s dead."
"I hope people of the future will remember my books for being burned, and I challenge an elite few to imagine the embers of the last copy."