Absence makes the heart grow fonder, until it stops beating.... - Bauvard, Some Inspiration for the Overenthusiastic

"I admire Shakespeare enormously. But since I can’t be him, I’m glad that his marriage was unhappy and he’s dead."

"Love your wife, your servant and your enemy equally, and file her credit card bills under the ‘enemy’ folder."

"If I weren’t too proud, I’d boast of my exaggerated opinion of myself."

"I bet there are a lot of women out there who want to sleep with a guy who reads. And being the head of the reading foundation, I’m very well endowed."

"Bachelorhood: all the fun of married life and more prosperity, leaving lots of descendants to boast of their father’s memory to their fellow inmates."