"The problem with our society is that our values aren’t in the right place. There’s an awful lot of bleeding and naked bodies on prime-time networks, but not nearly enough cable television on public programming."
"If you're a nobody, just imagine a lot of celebrities are in love with you. Narcissism is the best cure for attention deficit disorder."
"When you loathe yourself, a true friend will respect your honesty. And if you’ve been fortunate in life, he will probably share your opinion."
"The lampshade on my head is for my bright ideas. I won't be able to convey them until Monday, when my curtain gets out of the dry cleaners."
"I admire Shakespeare enormously. But since I can’t be him, I’m glad that his marriage was unhappy and he’s dead."
"Bike lane: the section of the road that accommodates wide loads and has speed bumps to protect drunk drivers."