"Being a waiter is a waste of time, because think of all that waiting. But it’s better than loving someone who doesn’t love you back, because if you’re going to wait around, you might as well get paid for it."
"A can’t in a can—it’s carbonated failure that’s ready to drink. It tastes like the back half of love."
"The naked truth is anything but naked. But it will be soon enough, if I keep giving it alcohol."
"The summer temperature outside was 45 degrees, so I turned 45 degrees and went right back inside. It was so cold outside because that’s where all her love for me was."
"I drink like a fish, and I swim in my thirst. I’m so parched for her love that I think I may drown in my desire."
"I bleed ink for her, because her name is written on my heart. She’s the author of all the love I have to give."