More quotes by Steven Wright

"I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time."
"When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing."
"I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time"so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance."
"If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny."
"If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried."