There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on th... - Steven Wright

"If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?"

"What's another word for thesaurus?"

"I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying."

"It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself."

"I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize."