More quotes by Steven Wright

"I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying."
"When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane."
"Sorry... my mind was wandering... one time it went all the way to Venus and ordered a meal I couldn’t pay for."
"If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?"
"Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before."