There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on th... - Steven Wright

"If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?"

"I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room."

"If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you."

"Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn't investigated. They might find that I don't really exist - that I'm just a hologram."

"I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography."