"You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor."
"I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room."
"If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried."
"I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died."
"If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?"
"I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography."