You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it s... - Steven Wright

"I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize."

"Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time."

"I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

"I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography."

"Sorry... my mind was wandering... one time it went all the way to Venus and ordered a meal I couldn’t pay for."