"You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor."
"What's another word for thesaurus?"
"If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?"
"If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried."
"I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time"so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance."
"I have a hobby. I have the world’s largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen some of it."