I fight like a rocking chair in a boxing ring. That’s also h... - Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not FOR SALE

"I just sprayed cologne on my hand and then pet the back of my cat's head while he slept, and he woke up so confused, trying to sniff behind his neck and all around wondering what sweet attack he was under."

"If I waste all my charity, all I’ll wind up with in the end is the wind. Still, I think I want to be the Dandelion of Love."

"Just when you thought you’d considered all the angles, life goes from a square to a cube. Love should also be 3D."

"Dinner was a riot, but the food was bland, so I doused it with pepper spray. The chef wanted to protest, but he didn’t, because I had the pepper spray."

"I'm all for all for one, especially when I'm the one. That's my philosophy when the dinner bill arrives at the table."