More quotes by Steven Wright

"Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn't investigated. They might find that I don't really exist - that I'm just a hologram."
"I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time."
"I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography."
"In a lot of ways, success is much harder than I thought it would be. I figured that you'd get here and then everything would be happily ever after. But, it's hard work, almost harder once you're successful because you've got to maintain it."
"If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried."