"I hope people of the future will remember my books for being burned, and I challenge an elite few to imagine the embers of the last copy."
"I wanted to have premarital sex with a midget, but I was afraid the ringmaster would banish me for unlawful carnival knowledge."
"Night clubs are where Americans learn the laws of motion."
"Bachelorhood: all the fun of married life and more prosperity, leaving lots of descendants to boast of their father’s memory to their fellow inmates."
"Unrequited love is the only possible way to give yourself to another without being held in indentured servitude."
"Husband: a man with hopes of being a lover who settles for being a provider, causing his wife to grow suspicious of her depleting jewelry box."