"I made a cauldron of coffee, and I was thinking we could chug it and then teach each other how to dance by using the bottom of a floating canoe as a ballroom."
"I've often wondered what makes a relationship last. I guess the best answer is it's the one right after the next to the last one."
"All my failures as a human being I blame on my father. Life is about accepting responsibility, and it’s time my father started being held accountable for my deficiencies."
"They say there are twelve steps to quitting something. But what if that something is playing with a slinky? Seems like you should be able to quit playing with a slinky using no steps."
"When anybody asks me what time it is, I always say, “Yesterday, plus 24 hours."
"It’s true, I can’t make you love me. But I can refuse to let you out of your cage."