"Using a mannequin and some rope, could you ride two bicycles at once? Next time, try three bikes. Then truly love someone, because that’s even harder."
"I give 110% in love. If that seems absurd, just know that I used presidential voting machines to calculate that number. It's totally legit."
"I like to call in sick to work at places where I’ve never held a job. Then when the manager tells me I don’t work there, I tell them I’d like to. But not today, as I’m sick."
"The harmonica has musical wind, and is the breath of soul. It’s like a sad, lonely I love you lost in the breeze."
"Of all sports, wrestling is the most like cuddling. I’m all sweaty because I’m training hard to show her how much I love her."
"75% of my life is spent wasting time. The other 25% isn’t nearly as productive."