I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of... - Rodney Dangerfield

"I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it."

"When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them."

"At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he know he can't."

"I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio."

"What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife."