If girlfriends were knees, I'd love to have both of mine rep... - Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

"Just to show my dad that I think he's number one, I bought him a urinal cake for his birthday."

"I saw this beautiful girl the other day. She had an ass behind her that seemed to go on for days. In fact, I’m still going on about her."

"My advice for a person who's just fallen out of a skyscraper window is, Flap your arms...faster."

"If I were an armadillo, and a stranger came up and said I looked familiar, and they wanted to know why I looked so familiar, I'd respond in a raspy voice, "Your brother ran over my brother."

"If flowers were boogers, I'd pick a few big ones and flick them on your grave."