I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny litt... - George Carlin

"The planet is fine. The people are fucked."

"Meow” means “woof” in cat."

"May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house."

"I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose."

"I often warn people: "Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, 'There is no "I"in team.' What you should tell them is, 'Maybe not. But there is an "I"in independence, individuality and integrity."