More quotes by Jarod Kintz, I Want

"I want to be a naughty pirate, because when I put on that eye patch, it barely covers my genitals."
"I want to spend less time talking about myself, and more time listening to what other people have to say about me."
"I want to upholster the inside lining of my nostrils with leather, to have that "new car smell"all the time."
"I want to end global hunger by feeding half the world’s starving people to the other half."
"I want to write my own eulogy, and I want to write it in Latin. It seems only fitting to read a dead language at my funeral."