More quotes by Jarod Kintz, I Want

"I want to be a naughty pirate, because when I put on that eye patch, it barely covers my genitals."
"I want my kids to have the things in life that I never had when I was growing up. Things like beards and chest hair."
"I want to write the Boston Marathon of run-on sentences. And since it'll be so long, I'll replace all the commas with the word Gatorade, to help push people through it."
"I want to merge a Phoenix with a Camel to create the world's first everlasting cigarette. It'll be a cigarette that rises from its own ashes, so you can keep smoking it indefinitely."
"I want to write a book so long that it will take the average person their whole life to read. It will be exactly the same length as the Bible."