"I wish my stove came with a Save As button like Word has. That way I could experiment with my cooking and not fear ruining my dinner."
"My advice is to write in the nude. Unless you do your writing in a public restroom, and in that case, I’d recommend wearing flip flops."
"People always ask me if I’m into sports, and I say, “Well, isn’t writing a sport? If you’re doing it right, and you have a deadline, you should be sweating."
"I’m willing to die for the woman I love. I just want to take 75 years to do it."
"I want to be the first and second man to dance on the moon. No, I won’t moonwalk. But I will Cha Cha—with my clone."
"Can America get back to a point where politicians are honest? Not unless that point is the tip of a sword."