More quotes by Steven Wright

"What happens if you get scared half to death twice?"
"I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying."
"It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself."
"In a lot of ways, success is much harder than I thought it would be. I figured that you'd get here and then everything would be happily ever after. But, it's hard work, almost harder once you're successful because you've got to maintain it."
"I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time."