If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn'... - Steven Wright

"I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was "Quote"so the last thing I said before I died would be "Unquote."

"You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time."

"Sorry... my mind was wandering... one time it went all the way to Venus and ordered a meal I couldn’t pay for."

"I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography."

"You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time."