"If love had feathers and tasted like dog food, then I suggest you wear shoes with your banana pudding. (This statement also defines my political beliefs)."
"What does it mean to be the best? It means you have to be better than the number two guy. But what gratification is there in that? He's a loser—that’s why he's number two."
"I want to be the founder of a #startup app called Quid Pro Squid. No idea what it will do, but if I can get enough users, VC money will flow."
"Love now, not later. Also, love later."
"My hobbies include rubbing my nipples across a cheese grater, meeting cat ladies on Tinder, and voting for either Democrat or Republican every four years. You could say I am a torture enthusiast."
"Don’t try to hog loneliness and keep it all to yourself. Share it with a special someone."