"My hobbies include rubbing my nipples across a cheese grater, meeting cat ladies on Tinder, and voting for either Democrat or Republican every four years. You could say I am a torture enthusiast."
"In a battle of believability, the winner is the one with the best body language, not the clearest logic."
"A flowing flurry of flowers fell to the floor when I fell in love, as if my heart were a garden that gushed forth and flooded her being with the fragrance of romance."
"I didn’t give her my full attention. The bottle was half full when she started drinking. Still, from it she grew distracted, so my farming technique worked."
"I was in love one time, I said as I held up my pinky. I would have held up my index finger, but I wasn't in love that long."
"I wish I could travel west nonstop chasing sunsets. And as the time zones move backwards, I could live forever if I just kept moving."