I’m addicted to warm Thanksgiving bird meat, but I should ju... - Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not FOR SALE

"Older doesn't necessarily mean wiser. Some trees live to be hundreds of years old, and what the fuck do they know?"

"You can never be too early to stand around and wait. You can have a seat in this chair, after I cinch the noose around my neck and you kick it out from under my legs."

"I got arrested for driving naked. I guess I shouldn’t have put four wheels, an engine, and a steering wheel on my bathtub. I’m a do-it-yourself kind of lover."

"I don’t remember my birth. I guess I got dementia at a young age."

"In high school I used to write my love notes backwards, so she'd have to flip the paper upside-down to read it. Either that or read it in a mirror, so she can see herself as I see her, and see why I admire her."