"I’m up for the Julius Caesar Author of the Year Award this year. I’m tremendously proud, considering Caesar is the guy who burned down the Library of Alexandria."
"Sexcess—it’s about sex in excess and success all rolled up into one sweaty ball."
"She had two lips like strawberries, and the seeds gave her kisses texture. I preferred kissing her over two scoops of vanilla ice cream."
"The first door in the hall leads to youth, the second door leads to middle age, and the third door leads to the bathroom. But knock first, because I think grandpa’s in there."
"I have all the things I need to succeed in life, including a bucket of unicorn urine."
"I just bought a small condo overlooking the water. The water is in a cup, one floor below my unit."