"I’m up for the Julius Caesar Author of the Year Award this year. I’m tremendously proud, considering Caesar is the guy who burned down the Library of Alexandria."
"Early on I set out to write the next Great American Novel, and then later on I set out the silverware and enjoyed my dinner in silence."
"My name is a half an hour early, but my body is on time."
"At the end of the universe you’ll find a door labeled “Do Not Enter.” No great mysteries are hidden there—it’s just a supplies closet."
"As much as I would love to know what you know, I’d much rather eat your brain with a spoon."
"I just bought a small condo overlooking the water. The water is in a cup, one floor below my unit."