It's never just a game when you're winning. - George Carlin

"Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy."

"Electricity is really just organized lightning"

"Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?"

"I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose."

"He - and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a he, because no woman could or would ever fuck things up this badly."