I’ve got a nice racket going. I make tennis ball swatters. M... - Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not FOR SALE

"Dinner was a riot, but the food was bland, so I doused it with pepper spray. The chef wanted to protest, but he didn’t, because I had the pepper spray."

"Is your Happy Meal full of dancing? Put a box around it and sell it to kids. They could use the exercise."

"There are two typos of people in this world: those who can edit, and those who can't."

"I can’t use my intellect to figure out how to bypass my intellect. Love lies through the spirit, not the mind, and love never lies."

"Her dancing inspires me to move. I used to be like a statue, and now I am more like a mannequin. So much more fashionable, you know?"