More quotes by Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not FOR SALE

"Everything I’ve learned about handshakes is from hands-on experience. Due to hygiene, I only network with rubber glove manufacturers."
"A turtle is like a lizard in a bicycle helmet, and I think that’s romantic. That reminds me, I should write a love song called, “Dinner for two—plus one."
"I keep water in my pockets, as portable fish tanks. My love letters often get soggy with sentimentality."
"She cuts me deep with her words, with her withholding of words, and with her knife. I’m not sure which is the most painful."
"People with money have to worry about who their real friends are. I don’t have that problem for two reasons: I don’t have any money, and I don’t have any friends."