#Deal

"I want to create a 3-4 deal—buy three for the price of four. Offer valid for any product but love, which is one for the price of two only."

"My love burns for you like I’m an arsonist and marshmallows-on-sticks salesman. $2.99 each, or 5 for $10."

"Buy one I love you for $3.99. Buy twelve for $48.00. That’s a savings of twelve cents—directly into my bank account. WARNING: CHOKING HAZARD—Objects not intended for individuals who tend to put forever objects in their mouths."

"Sometimes the only way to deal with horrific things in life is through a dark sense of humor."

"I don't think ethical people deal with intimidation as a method to achieve success. Undermining someone's self-esteem isn't a method to achieve success."

"I didn't know how to deal with success. If there was a Rock Star 101, I would have liked to take it. It might have helped me."

"Why pay for an undesirable outcome with someone else? For the same money, you could have paid me to stay at home and do nothing."

"To show you I love you, I bought you an antique watch. You can tell it's old because it doesn't even work. I got a great deal on it."

"Money is not equal for all people. A strong personal brand adds more lift and leverage. One dollar from me may buy a soda from a car dealership, but one dollar from Justin Bieber may get him a Ferrari. And they'd pay him to drive away."

"If you see me pushing a wheelbarrow full of animal balloons up a hill, it may be a Zen koan, or it may be buy two get a third for FREE."

"I sell soap. Buy two bars and get a FREE shower. (Water not included.) Act within the next 15 minutes and I’ll even throw in the towel. I quit!"

"To attract a lover, you need to craft the perfect Craigslist ad. Here’s mine: Free TV with purchase of potato chips and couch."

"It's how you deal with failure that determines how you achieve success."

"I asked for info, and he offered it for a price. Now I’m selling him my security services, and if he doesn’t pay me, I’m going to give him a karate lesson—for free."

"My two big date deal breakers are someone with no sense of humor and someone who chews badly. I will never be with someone who never laughs or someone who chews disgustingly, so if either of those things are detected on a date - it's a total deal breaker."

"President Ford used humor a great deal."

"Half-assing it twice isn’t giving it 100%, but both can be yours for the one-time low-price of half off. Also on SALE now: My love. Order yours today."

"I’m a natural salesman. I sold my soul to the devil. I’m so shrewd that I got pennies on the dollar for it. Ha! Wait, a buyer who gets pennies on the dollar is the clever one in the deal. Damn it! Lucifer tricked me!"

"Let’s do a 50-50 deal, with me getting 75% of the profits, and you getting the other half. That’s how we can both get the most value out of a relationship."

"My currency is kindness, and while there are no ATMs that dispense it, it’s also not accepted or recognized at strip clubs."