If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? - George Carlin

"Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?"

"He - and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a he, because no woman could or would ever fuck things up this badly."

"I bet you anything that 10 times out of 10, Nicky, Vinny and Tony will beat the shit out of Todd, Kyle and Tucker."

"In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem."

"I think I am, therefore, I am... I think."