If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? - George Carlin

"How is it possible to have a civil war?"

"Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy."

"He - and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a he, because no woman could or would ever fuck things up this badly."

"If everyone in the world sat quietly at the same time, closed their eyes and concentrated as hard as they could on peace and goodwill, all the killing and cruelty in the world would continue. And probably increase."

"I think I am, therefore, I am... I think."