"My girlfriend just bought me a portable toaster. And my birthday’s coming up, so I’m half expecting her to buy me a portable bathtub to go along with it."
"Her and I, we passed each other, and now she’s in my past. That’s one present I’d like to unwrap in the future."
"The pink sunset reminds me of her, and the calm water matches the calm that images of her bring to my heart."
"What can I say about love that’s never been said by me or anyone else? Well, sometimes love smells like my farts, after I eat a dozen roses."
"Let me just pause a minute and drink in this moment. And if you film it, I’ll be able to get free refills for life."
"You are not your body. You are the sum of all your actions, and they live on after your body dies. You may be mortal, but your brand is eternal."