More quotes by Jarod Kintz, $3.33

"I called an insurance company to get a quote. They gave me one of Oscar Wilde’s best."
"The only reason my wife agreed to marry me is because Christian Bale wasn’t around to propose to her."
"There is safety in numbers. And science. Clone your way to being safe. Nobody can protect you like you. And you and you and you."
"On the night of the murder I was at home, asleep. The characters in my dream can vouch for me."
"If you work in a hospital, you can’t easily fake call in sick to work. Oh, you’re sick? Well why don’t you come in to work and we’ll have a look at it."