"Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure."
"I think I am, therefore, I am... I think."
"I bet you anything that 10 times out of 10, Nicky, Vinny and Tony will beat the shit out of Todd, Kyle and Tucker."
"I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose."
"He - and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a he, because no woman could or would ever fuck things up this badly."
"Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it."