"The difference between me and a scientist is a little word called “Science.” I don’t believe in it. Science has yet to validate my disbelief in Bigfoot."
"I want to be the first and second man to dance on the moon. No, I won’t moonwalk. But I will Cha Cha—with my clone."
"People always ask me if I’m into sports, and I say, “Well, isn’t writing a sport? If you’re doing it right, and you have a deadline, you should be sweating."
"To be the best, you have to be willing to do what nobody does. And today, if nobody reads and nobody works hard, then you also have to give up reading and become lethargic to be successful."
"Can America get back to a point where politicians are honest? Not unless that point is the tip of a sword."
"The ultimate weapon is Lady Gaga’s music. Why kill the enemy when you can play her music and they’ll want to kill themselves?"