The only time I really think is when I smoke, and I quit smo... - Jarod Kintz, There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't

"I’ve always felt that the best place to hide a body is in the trunk of a cop car, with a note affixed to the body that reads, “I’m sorry."

"The best part about being kidnapped is being blindfolded and getting kicked into the trunk of a car. Boy, normally I have to beg my friends to treat me that well."

"My close friends are fond of telling me that I put the “yalt” in loyalty. Well, I don’t know if I’d go that far with it, but yeah, I guess I am a pretty yalty person."

"I love tables. And dancing. Oh, and I love table dancing, although Grandmother always says, "Wait until we're finished eating."

"Moral codes are like the ocean. Some people live by them, while others, such as myself, would rather live by a lake."