The only time I really think is when I smoke, and I quit smo... - Jarod Kintz, There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't

"It’s been said that the most successful people are often early risers. So that’s why I started getting up in the afternoon, which is well before any “successful” person even thinks of going to bed."

"I’ve always felt that the best place to hide a body is in the trunk of a cop car, with a note affixed to the body that reads, “I’m sorry."

"Grandpa always used to make me ride in the bed of his pickup truck, so he could keep up his conversations with the 100-pound sack of manure he kept buckled up in the passenger seat. Grandpa said all they ever talked about was grass, but I know Grandpa used to do a little flirting, too."

"I love tables. And dancing. Oh, and I love table dancing, although Grandmother always says, "Wait until we're finished eating."

"A lot of people go searching for “Truth.” But they can’t be searching too hard, because very few of them ever think to look under my bed."