"I love tables. And dancing. Oh, and I love table dancing, although Grandmother always says, "Wait until we're finished eating."
"Grandpa always used to make me ride in the bed of his pickup truck, so he could keep up his conversations with the 100-pound sack of manure he kept buckled up in the passenger seat. Grandpa said all they ever talked about was grass, but I know Grandpa used to do a little flirting, too."
"I saw a bottle of conditioner the other day that said, "Family Size,"and I thought, That's odd, I didn't know too many families showered together."
"The only time I really think is when I smoke, and I quit smoking years ago."
"I’ve often wondered why more science textbooks don’t tell teenagers that the only thing sharks like to eat more than fish, are dead prostitutes."
"A lot of people go searching for “Truth.” But they can’t be searching too hard, because very few of them ever think to look under my bed."