"I love tables. And dancing. Oh, and I love table dancing, although Grandmother always says, "Wait until we're finished eating."
"Flowers and fear are a lot alike. For one, flowers and fear have a distinct smell, and two, I’m currently trying to grow both in my garden."
"The other day I went to the Huddle House. I wasn’t hungry, I just wanted to call some plays."
"There Are Two Typos Of People In This World: Those Who Can Edit And Those Who Can’t"
"A lot of people go searching for “Truth.” But they can’t be searching too hard, because very few of them ever think to look under my bed."
"I’ve always felt that the best place to hide a body is in the trunk of a cop car, with a note affixed to the body that reads, “I’m sorry."