"I love tables. And dancing. Oh, and I love table dancing, although Grandmother always says, "Wait until we're finished eating."
"There Are Two Typos Of People In This World: Those Who Can Edit And Those Who Can’t"
"The other day I went to the Huddle House. I wasn’t hungry, I just wanted to call some plays."
"My close friends are fond of telling me that I put the “yalt” in loyalty. Well, I don’t know if I’d go that far with it, but yeah, I guess I am a pretty yalty person."
"I’d love to work with an Asian guy named Wu Hu, because just saying his name would get me all pumped up and excited."
"I’m glad scrambled eggs don’t have lips, because when I’m grinning over a hearty breakfast, it would really freak me out to see my breakfast grinning back. I’ve eaten a man for less than that."