"You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time."
"You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor."
"If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you."
"I have a hobby. I have the world’s largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen some of it."
"Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark."
"If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny."