"The storm is coming whether you’re aware of it or not, and whether you’re prepared for it or not. Thank God you have a man like me in your life, a man with a variety of umbrellas for sale in an affordable range of prices."
"I always look like I’m lying. I was born with a politician’s face. You’ll know I’m in love when I have a Vote For Me look in my eyes."
"Great earrings would be little speakers, so she can hear better. Or maybe she just wasn’t listening all those times I told her I loved her."
"If you merge an emergency with a mannequin, that’s how I look at networking events. Panicked stillness, that’s the look I’ve perfected in an effort to make myself appear more approachable."
"If I could make tea out of your love, would it be hot, or iced? Would it be black, or green? Would it be sweet, or unsweet? Would you offer free refills?"
"Nine out of ten politicians are thieves. The tenth politician is a liar, and the one who conducted the survey."