"They should make cell phones that are dishwasher safe. My cup runneth over—especially since both our drinks are in one glass because I’m too lazy to load the shotgun."
"A scaly lizard in soapy water makes a great scrubber. I’d wash my hands of her, if I didn’t enjoy being treated like a dishrag so much."
"When I compete, I leave it all on the table. That's my philosophy for the Hot Dog Eating Contest. Do you know what's in those things? Gross!"
"I bought a faucet, but water wasn’t included. That’s like when you buy my love—it’s dirty and used, but soap isn’t included."
"As a fan of Agatha Christie, I think a brilliant mystery novel would be trying to identify the meat contents in a McDonald’s hamburger."
"If my favorite three letters are X, Z, and Q, then my favorite word is Xazaqazax. It means “a lover of love."