More quotes by Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

"I wouldn't say I'm superficial, just averagely ficial."
"If I promise you I'll show up fifteen minutes late, I'll always arrive on time."
"With all the money my uncle embezzled over the years, it's no surprise he lives in a gated community. But what is amazing, however, is that he somehow managed to get his own cell."
"I used to date the lead singer of The Cranberries, but she cheated on me. Turns out she had some turkey on the side."
"I like my relationships like I like my eggs. Over easy."