#Suicide

"Cookie Cutter Criticism A critic tried to fit my sense of humor in a cookie cutter,but it wouldn't fit his preconceived shape of what comedy should be.So he pressed harder, and harder and harder until the cookie cutter cut a cookie shaperight through the palm of his hand.It doesn't hurt anymore when the critic tries to slap me in the face.There's no more hot-air resistance."

"Heartbreak [10w] Heartbreak’s like a heart attack but without the hospital bills."

"Vices [10w] Cultivate vices;to be without them is not to be."

"Relationships Deconstrcted [10w] Qualities we at first perceive as endearingsoon becomes annoying."

"Carlsberg: Probably the best lager in the world... ...just like IKEA is the best furniture on earth."

"The Great Blue of the Great Blue A Great Blue whale mourns her hunted mate.Her heart, once the size of an SUV,lonely rides the empty sea,her heart's now withered to subcompact class,her whys and wherefores, run out of gas."

"New Age Hype Don't 'honor your feelings.'Half the time they're full of shit.Don't 'embrace' anything without a pulse.Mindfulness should include not listening to quacks."

"Note to Self: Patent #10w Diving Mask for fish filled with water when oceans disappear."

"National Rifle Association Credo [10w] God gave us two hands to holdan assault rifle."

"There is a certain right by which we many deprive a man of life, but none by which we may deprive him of death; this is mere cruelty."

"Frank Lloyd Wright {Couplet} Frank Lloyd Wright eliminated the confining wall,so now when your wife screams at youit sounds like you're in Tammany Hall."

"Publisher's Persuasion "You're much too good a writer to want a six figure advance. You don't want your readers to think you're only writing for money ~ do you?"

"Clairol: Does she or doesn't she... ...take it up the ass."

"Lady Gaga Haiku A cow has a big head, deep voice, a long tongue, butLady Gaga he's not."

"Got Hate? When a hater cozily whispers shit in your ear about them,what does that say about you?"

"Hidden [10w] God hides enough happiness in sadness to light the world."

"Spontaneous Gift Giving [10w] Learn to give gifts spontaneously accompanied by a love note."

"What Ever Happened to Stupid? [10w] ‘I’m only human’,has become everybody’s license to fuck up."

"Russian, Umerzhurnalistka Someone who too many questions for his own good. Literally, 'Dead journalist'."

"Lubbock, Texas Haiku Oil wells, Hub of the Plains.Stinks like an armpit."