"A slinky is a toy made for stairs, but that’s entirely too tiresome. What about a toy for escalators that doesn’t move and does nothing and that’s the whole point? I think Americans would relate to and embrace that mentality."
"Gold is liquid sunlight frozen in time, and that’s why I love the way ice melts in vodka. I also love the way ice melts in vodka. I’ll have another shot, if you’ll reload the revolver."
"With eyes closed, a kiss is genderless. Now that mustaches are in fashion, some women are finding more hipster love."
"The going rate for love is going away. And the more you go away, the more expensive it gets."
"In these modern times, the only sensible thing to be is nonsensical."
"I asked if she wanted kids. She said her clock is ticking. I said, That’s because I set it five minutes ahead when you weren’t looking."