"Alphabet: a symbolic system used in algebra, with applications that have yet to be discovered by dyslexics and two thirds of college graduates."
"Bachelorhood: all the fun of married life and more prosperity, leaving lots of descendants to boast of their father’s memory to their fellow inmates."
"Unrequited love is the only possible way to give yourself to another without being held in indentured servitude."
"People who practice freedom of expression are terrorizing our grammatical way of life."
"People are always insinuating that I’m rude. They say things like “Shh,” and “Careful what you say,” and “I think that guy’s listening in on our conversation."
"Education: learning to find your purpose. Upon finding your purpose: what did I learn?"