"Every guy says he's not like every guy, thus proving he is like every guy. Show me a guy who's different, and I'll tell you to stop pointing at me."
"I like eating extra-virgin coconut oil. That’s like super non-fucked coconut oil."
"There's someone for everyone. And when my clones get here, everyone will be able to have that someone. Prices start at $99."
"I’ll be your Dostoevsky, if you’ll be my Tolstoy. Our life together will be so full of despair that death will be like a gulag full of joy."
"I’m not courageous. In fact, when I shadow box I wear boxing gloves that are outfitted with flashlights."
"If you were to ask me the best time of day to fall in love, I'd say, "Now."But you'd also have to remember to factor in the fact that my watch is eleven minutes fast."