More quotes by Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not FOR SALE

"I loved her as long as a midget. It was gruesome, and then I grew some."
"I have a tongue like a rose petal, and when I say I love you, it has the fragrance of truth. My words are my garden, and I’m planting our future."
"I make furniture that can be used as weapons. The most dangerous piece of furniture is the Loveseat."
"A can’t in a can—it’s carbonated failure that’s ready to drink. It tastes like the back half of love."
"To attract a lover, you need to craft the perfect Craigslist ad. Here’s mine: Free TV with purchase of potato chips and couch."