"A turtle is like a lizard in a bicycle helmet, and I think that’s romantic. That reminds me, I should write a love song called, “Dinner for two—plus one."
"My love burns for you like I’m an arsonist and marshmallows-on-sticks salesman. $2.99 each, or 5 for $10."
"The best part about being a writer is being able to communicate with people without moving my lips. The mouth is better used for kissing."
"If my legs get blown off in war, I’d like to have them replaced with a coffee table. Half man/half furniture, I’ll be in the living room if you need me."
"The heart is man’s treasure, and that’s why it’s locked in a cage of ribs with only one key. The key isn’t metal or material—it’s the feeling of love."
"Dinner was a riot, but the food was bland, so I doused it with pepper spray. The chef wanted to protest, but he didn’t, because I had the pepper spray."