He was an introverted kid, so I didn’t send him to his room... - Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not FOR SALE

"This morning, as I was driving to work, I mistook a big brown box on the side of the road for a deer. It was dark, and I swerved at the last second, and even though it wasn’t a deer, I still managed to nail that son of a bitch."

"I’m late to dinner, but I’m early to being in love. I’m such a gentleman that I hold every door open—even if the guy sitting in the bathroom stall is protesting."

"Love flows like flowers, and grows like water. I’m so thirsty for romance I could drink a dozen roses."

"I had a second friend come over to my house, and do you know what I called her? A refill. If relationships aren’t drinkable, why do we thirst for them so much?"

"I’ve got a nice racket going. I make tennis ball swatters. My favorite score is love all. That’s also how I live my life."